Superheroism

Let me ponder a bit on the idea of love, deserving and not, affection, caring, who receives it, who gives.

Now, there is, for many of us, an inherent issue of worthiness. In fact, I'd posit that everyone feels one thing or another on this spectrum. It is no binary choice; some people probably wouldn't think they had an answer until you asked them, and they'd find themselves in the middle somewhere. Others have such a high esteem of self that they fall far on the right, whereas others have no sense of worth at all, and stray down to the left side.

Who decides who deserves love? We all have the capacity to love; does that mean we all have an equivalent capacity to BE loved? Do we requisitely love someone else before we ourselves qualify? Is it that we love ourselves first before others may? Does anyone truly deserve love? Well, of course. Don't we all?

Combine an issue with self-worth with that of deciding everyone, everyone except yourself, deserves love and caring, and you're left with someone whose cracks begin to show quite easily. Someone who feels that, with just a bit more, more effort, more self-sacrifice, more super-hero complex, more being everywhere, everything, to everyone, just a little bit more, then she might eventually be returned a droplet of what she has put forth. Is it not a seed's nature to wither and expend its energy to cause the shoot to grow? To put down roots for the coming plant?

On an outsider's perspective, it is ridiculous to hear someone, particularly someone you care for, claim no worth at all on the basis of being undeserved. If your frame is that everyone deserves love, most of all those whom YOU love (since if they were undeserving, you would not love them), and so how could they possibly not deserve it? Superheroism merely drags the bearer into a cycle of lack and vicious failure; but even this is illusory, for how can a mere human be a superman? For all they give, all they clutch tightly and refuse to allow to fail, they are deserving.

From the insider's perspective, how do you possibly accept this and somehow put aside your overdeveloped sense of self-flagellation to open yourself to others? How does a sensible, rational, emotional person discard that self-doubt and instead allow another's light to weave a net of trust about them? It is easy to trust someone else; not so easy, to trust yourself.

For my part -- I want to feel that bright net, I want it there to catch me. I want to believe the pretty things said to my face and pretend the terrible things said behind my back do not exist. Of course they do; as they do for everyone. I do not want to focus on them. I wish to bring into contrast the happiness that is sitting there, knocking on my forehead, peering into my eyes, just waiting, waiting for me to accept it. My hands are full, full of self-torturous recriminations, of a hollow sense of failure, of that undeserving award, dangling from my fingertips.... now I say, just give me time, and I'll watch it fall to the ground. The rest will follow, and I will trust. I will love; not only others, but myself. Because I am worth it.